Sell Crazy Someplace Else, We’re All Stocked Up Here

I need to get something off my chest. It’s just a little bit of crazy that I carry around with me.

I know this is a food blog. I write about food that I make or eat, I photograph said food, and I share the recipes. I’ve deviated from that formula very little over the last ten months. I have no intentions of starting to deviate regularly now.

However, as I sit here editing my photos from two recipes that I successfully made today, I am also recuperating from a run in with a spider.

Never have I encountered a spider this beguiling…they might stand a chance if I did.
Also, searching for this image was torture. Pure. Torture. 

Now, obviously, I haven’t shared my complete loathing and utter terror of spiders here before. I mean, as I said, this is a food blog. But if you’re going to continue sharing my kitchen exploits with me, then I think this is a vital detail that I really ought to share with you.

So, there you have it…I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate spiders (name that quote).

Since moving to the Virgin Islands, that loathing has increased a hundredfold.

The spiders here not only apparently thrive in the heat and humidity, but they also seem to experiment in cross breeding and genetic modification.

It’s important to know that in my world, if a spider makes it’s presence known, there can be only one solution: death. Death to all arachnids, no matter the shape or size.

I whined on Facebook once recently about my horror at having had a very large (no, really…not large just because I hate spiders…it was big) monster spider fall from the laundry I was washing and onto my foot, where it promptly shot off  like a bat out of hell, most likely because it sensed that it’s death was nigh. Many of my friends had sympathy for me. After all, they’ve known me for years…they know how traumatic this was for me. My dear aunt, however, had advice instead. She proceeded to break down to me which spiders were safe to ignore and which should be killed on sight.

IGNORE?! Is she serious?! There is not a spider on this planet…or any other for that matter…that I could possibly ignore! You see, when I encounter a spider, there are two scenarios that play out in my head. Neither is rational, yet neither can be ignored.

Scenario A: A spider appears.

I see it and begin to strategize for the best plan of attack (this usually involves someone else doing the dirty work). The spider sees this and flees, escaping me, but never forgetting.

Later, while I sleep (remember, this is what plays out in my irrational, arachnophobic brain), the survivor attacks me in unseen and unfelt ways, but they are mortifying nonetheless.

Scenario B: A spider appears.

I see it and begin to strategize for the best plan of attack. The spider sees this and attempts to flee. However, my pitiful squeels and flip flop flinging prevail and I smite his ruin upon the tile floor…or wall…or countertop…you get the point.

Unfortunately, his mate and all 8, 372 of their offspring bare witness to Mr. Spider’s untimely demise. The survivors attack me in unseen and unfelt ways, but they are mortifying nonetheless.

Either way, at least according to my crazy, there really is no escape from the torment of spiders.

Obviously, I need help.

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Comments

  1. bttrflybabydoll says

    You are too funny! Even though I know you are totally serious! LOL I can handle spiders, but mice and cockroaches on the other hand…they may as well find another place to scurry.

  2. Sugarbear says

    Ew. Yes, Andrea…cockroaches are ick, but I just can't help but think Mice are cute! That is, until I see one in my house, then it doesn't matter if it's Mickey Mouse, he's out!!

    Isn't it a terrifying idea, Avanika?! I am so glad that someone else not only understands, but doesn't judge me!! Lol!

  3. Ms. Forgetful says

    Well Darla atleast i can make you feel a little better about it by telling you…….at least your not terrified of clowns as i am. They scare the crap out of me. But i did find this….although i don't think thats gonna sound to good to you! Good luck!
    Sonya

    The treatment of arachnophobia is called “systematic desensitisation”. With the help of a therapist, the sufferer will slowly learn to face their fears. First they will be exposed to pictures of spiders. Later they will come face to face with real spiders. When they are able to hold a live spider without feeling anxious, they will have conquered their spider phobia.

    Advancements in technology have added a new dimension to the treatment of arachnophobics: virtual reality. Now the patient can wear a VR helmet or glasses with a VR glove. With the help of a computer generated spider, they can steadily overcome their fear, moving the VR glove closer until they can “feel” the spider crawl across their hand.

  4. kbkbakery says

    I agree with you completely! And I can't think of another phobia that can just jump out at you at any moment 24 hours a day 365 days a year! There is no season that spiders aren't moving around, they just move indoors! Someone afraid of flying isn't going to be driving down the road and suddenly find themselves in an airplane, but a spider will drop down and, obviously, be trying to kill me (i'm not too rational about them either). I'd rather have 100 flies than 1 spider… gross.

  5. Laurel and Jeremy says

    just found your blog from cakewrecks and started to peruse your site. :) I agree wholeheartedly!!!! Spiders do not belong anywhere around me…I usually trap them under jars with books on top and wait for hubs to get home and kill them…although with babies around, I am getting a tad bit braver :D

  6. Sugarbear says

    I can't tell you how reassuring it is to know that I'm not alone in my crazy! ;) Spiders are scary! They are creepy with a side of ugly!!

  7. Foxkit says

    Anything with more than four legs is NOT allowed in my home! And yet they always sneak in.. I dont mind spiders outside usually as the EAT other bugs, but indoors they are toast. Until I moved to virginia…. the stairs leading to my dad's 3rd floor apartment are littered with them, webs all along the railing and the ceiling, covered in dead insects. But they disappear during the day! Not a trace! further proof that only something as evil as a spider could hide from happy sunshine.

  8. says

    I’ve learned to appreciate spiders because they eat mosquitoes. Living in a tropical country, we have a million of them and they love to bite me. I loathe them with every inch of my being. Anything that eats mosquitoes is welcome to make its home in unseen corners of my house. Don’t go venturing off into the jungle though, where we have enormous golden orb spiders that eat birds. You’ll have a heart attack.

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